SURPRISE YOURSELF!!

Ah my blog, I come back to you every couple of years it when I come to some sort of realization it seems. Along with every major realization is that deep seeded part of my soul that reaches to the creative.  That creative power in me that was a huge part of my identity for most of my life.  Probably up until my mid 20's.  Man, am I old enough to look back and classify a part of my life as mid 20's.  Five-ish years or so ago seems like a different lifetime.  A different me.  And yet...there they are.  The reoccurring themes.  The same struggles.  The same emotional responses.  The same mistakes.  Maybe this is what someone who goes to summit Everest feels like?  "Oooh, Ive come so far!" they think.  "Congratulations, you've made it to the base camp," somebody else tells them.  Maybe not.  Those people are overachievers.  So here's what's on my mind tonight.  Apologies for the different format.  It's been awhile and I'm a different person.

This year I've been challenging myself to really look in to the lies that I tell myself.  Not just things like, "I'm going to be the type of person that's on time this year!"  (Spoiler: I won't ever be that person and this statement is almost certainly always a flat out lie.)  I'm talking deep seeded lies that have become a type of belief system.  It's been hard to do this without adding a certain measure of guilt or shame into my life.  Admitting that you've created problems for myself for whatever reason (defense mechanism, coping skill, survival, laziness, etc.) still doesn't help make you feel less guilty for wasting time or shameful because recognizing a lie doesn't mean you can automatically accept a new truth.  But I've discovered at least four big lies that have affected my life in a fairly dramatic and chronic (it is so much like a illness that kills your soul) fashion.

The one that's been the biggest discovery?  The one that I feel has become a theme and motivator for me? Fear.

Seems simple enough.  Fear.  A healthy amount keeps you safe.  Flight or fight and all that.  For any of you who know me, I don't seem all that scared.  Actually, I probably come across as kind of intense and in your face.  I'm sort of a Miley Cyrus themed wrecking ball that just kind of busts through things and into people's lives.  Trust me, people don't want to like me.  I try not to give them any choice in that matter.  But, I discovered that the biggest lie I tell myself is that I have to be afraid.  I have to do the safe thing so that I know what to expect and can plan for all the disasters that will inevitably happen.  I need to be stable and safe and stay in my little bubble because if my life is like it is now with that, what the heck is it going to look like if I'm outside of that bubble?  (Picture Armegeddon, Titantic, or maybe that scene where they blow up the white house in Independence Day-  the original please, the sequel was garbage.  Actually yeah, picture that.  My life becoming the Independence Day sequel.  What a disaster.)

The truth that trumps that lie?  The answer, not surprisingly came to me in a song.  It's actually what made me realize I was so afraid to begin with.  The song is called "Surprise Yourself" by Jack Garratt.  He reached out to tons of people for the music video.  Anyone could write in to him and tell him about a fear.  In the video the director sets up activities in which these people have to face their fears.  Before each person goes into this the director asks them to do one thing: surprise themselves.  They don't tell them to have courage or that they can do it.  They talk to them about their feelings and then they send them in completely alone and just ask them to open themselves up to the possibility that this is something they can do.

So that was my answer.  Surprise.  I felt this huge wave of emotion as I realized that, no matter how old I get or what happens, I have this wonderful ability to surprise myself!!  Life isn't over or set in stone.  I still have all these wonderful things to learn and experience.  I have all of this glorious potential and life has untapped possibility.  I don't have to be safe or stay the same.  I don't have to expect life to be the same.  The weird thing was as soon as this thought came into my mind all the anxiety and the fear I'd felt since the beginning of the year (let's just say January of 2017 was a trial month) vanished and I knew I was on to something.  By the way, if you can, I highly recommend watching the music video if you have a chance.

I've wanted to write professionally or at least try for years.  Since I was actually really little.  I think those are the best and most true answers, kids telling it like it is.  In sticking with the theme of fear and also limitation, I love asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they know no limits.  When I was little, I wanted to be a writer.  I also wanted to be a broadway star but I figured getting famous in any way would also help my writing career.  Yes, I was only 6 or 7 when I came up with this plan but even then I had all this emotion inside me and felt like I had so many stories to tell and things to share.  You think I'm joking but, sadly, I am not.  I was a weird little kid.  So here I am blogging again.  Here I am taking seminars on self-publishing and reading more than I have in two years to look at style and character development, etc. 

My theme for this year, or at least right now, has become SURPRISE YOURSELF!!  I like thinking about surprising myself much more than like thinking about overcoming or facing my fears.  It's all in how you phrase it, right?  See if I face my fear or have to overcome it, it's like work and again my mind goes straight to shame/guilt/disappointment (ah the sweet sweet trifecta of the anxiety ridden).  But saying, "Oooh, I'm going to surprise myself every day by doing something I would normally do," just kind of seems like a big adventure. It's a little like celebrating me just for a little bit every day.  Sometimes it's just for me and it's my little secret.  Other times it involves others.  Sometimes I share with others.  I want my life to look different so is it that crazy to do something a little different everyday?

So why share?  Why blog about it?  Well for starters, that's kind of my goal: to write more.  Also, I like to imagine that I have a chance to impact the lives of those around me.  It tends to be why I'm such an open and easily read book or why I wear my bleeding heart on my sleeve.  Light tends to grow brighter when you add more light.  And so I share this little piece of my light because maybe some of you feel like there are no surprises left for you.  Maybe you're caught up in the mundane survival of everyday life.  Maybe you're afraid like me?  I share because maybe it lights something in you and tomorrow you will get up and wear those leggings you never thought you could pull off.  Or maybe you run a little bit faster and longer than you thought you could.  Maybe you are brave enough to be honest with someone, even if its yourself. 

So often in my journey, I feel alone (yet another belief lie I am working on).  Once, I was complaining to a friend that no one had invited me to do anything in a really long time.  He stopped me and explained that during that week alone, no less than three people had told him the exact same thing.  I will never forget this because he then said, "out of all of those people, you are the strongest and the only one who can lift not only yourself up but others as well.  What are you doing to make sure others don't have to feel the same way you do?  Do the inviting if you want to be part of people's lives.  I promise you wont have to worry about being invited to things anymore."  He was right. 

So I send this out into the universe because I know I'm not alone in this feeling of fear.  I'm not alone in a desire to overcome it.  I'm not alone in hoping and wishing that each day brings a surprise and wanting to keep experiencing things.  And I'm putting it out there because it scares me but SURPRISE!! I'm doing it anyway.

The Friend Zone....DUN DUN DAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

It's been almost two years since the beautiful trilogy that was the beginning of a very promising blog.  I guess that's what happens when you undertake starting something at the same time as moving 500 miles away from all your friends and family.  It's been an incredible journey, but I realize I've let this part of myself go.  I forgot how much I need a creative outlet in my life.  Another factor was a friend kind enough to listen to me read my blogs and encourage me to keep writing.

So I think it's time I address the dreaded issue of the "friend zone."  I would say I'm a self proclaimed expert but considering I've had three people this month alone tell me I could (and should) write a book on this topic...maybe it's not so self-proclaimed anymore.  Now boys, if you're reading, please know this is not going to be some bitter tirade on how we girls always get put there.  If I'm being honest, I do think that guys get put in this no-man's limbo land far more than us ladies!!  And girls, don't think I'm going to defend how angry we get about the way boys treat us when we are in this situation or validate your complaints.  What I am going to do is try and explain why the friend zone can be a really good thing and maybe, just maybe, give someone insight on how to do that.

I have been hard core friend zoned over 18 times in my adult life.  Not like, "oh cute I have a crush on you" and then find out there is no interest.  I'm talking I develop these amazing, emotionally open, caring, honest relationships with men and then NEVER HAVE THEM GO ANYWHERE!  Here's the crazy thing, I'm still amazing friends with over a third of them.  To tie back into my best friend/sidekick blog, love is love and we should appreciate any version of it that we have in our lives.

I know movies are obsessed with this topic.  Of course its mainstream media where the friends finally figure out they're in love and everything turns out peachy.  So let's get that load of "exception" garbage out of the way and put it in the unrealistic reality of chick flicks category (please refer to blog post #1 for further enlightenment).  Seriously though, let's name off some titles.  When Harry Met Sally, Friends with Benefits, Whatever It Takes, No Strings Attached, Just Friends, Get Over It, Friends With Kids, Can't Buy Me Love, What's Your Number, Pitch Perfect, blah, blah, blah.  The list goes on and on.  How many guys have you known in your life (or girls) that just wake up one day and completely change their mind and realize that the love they feel for their best friend is romantic.  Nope, the rule of reality is that one person is more invested and usually the dynamic doesn't ever change.  Here are a few mistakes to avoid and make the friend zone a more enjoyable place.

Point #1  Please, both men and women, do not keep the friendship and stay around because you think that eventually it will evolve or the other person is going to have a change of heart!!  If you are going to be a friend then flip the friend zone part of your brain into high gear and BE A FRIEND.  Nothing more, nothing less.  Be ready and willing to talk about their significant others and take a back seat when they are in a relationship.  Continue to be yourself and enjoy the relationship that you have with them but don't place unnecessary expectations or hopes on the relationship or the other person.  This always ends badly.  Remember, unlike When Harry Met Sally, Friends With Benefits, No Strings Attached.... this is reality and if it ends badly because you're asking them to feel something or be something they cannot it's going to stay awkward and the friendship will probably die.  Like Quentin Tarantino-blood-and-guts-rip-apart-disgusting death.

Point #2  Boys in particular on this one, but once again, advice for all!  Do not let the friend zoned person in your life become a have your cake and eat it too situation.  It is not fair to someone you've friend zoned to make them your emotional and relationship stand in while you date and play around trying to find what you really want.  Don't make it an excuse for not finding what you really want either.  If you are friends then you are friends.  Move on and continue to try and find something that will actually go somewhere.  Some examples?  Don't spend all your time with a girl whose just a friend.  Let's say you love hanging out with her. You cook dinner together. You talk all the time about random stuff.  You regularly get together and watch movies.  Then every weekend you leave her to go on dates with woman you're interested in or maybe just to get a little action but would never have a relationship with.  You're not Hannah Montana and you DO NOT get the best of both worlds without fully committing to someONE!  Also don't friend zone someone and then spend all your time with only them, never dating or really looking around for an actual prospect.  You put them there and it's lazy and unfair to focus on a guy/girl friendship where neither of you date anyone.  Maybe you should evaluate that and admit there might be something more OR you are just lazy.

Point #3  Obviously advice for all, but this one is more for girls.  If you have friend zoned someone and that talk has happened, DO NOT CONTINUE TO BEAT IT TO DEATH.  Boys, especially, do not need a constant reminder that you aren't into them.  Constantly calling them friend, cutting off all physical touch and making it awkward, continuing to bring up the discussion you had that defined them as friend is unnecessary and painful.  Let your ego deflate a little and realize that maybe they genuinely understand how you feel, respect your decision, and have a genuine interest in keeping your friendship.  They are human and don't need a constant reminder of the rejection.  Also if you are the party of the friend zoned, then be genuine about being JUST A FRIEND!  If you can't do this, admit it and kindly remove yourself from the situation.  It will save both of you a lot of pain, awkwardness, tears, and heartache.

Point #4  Try not to over share about your love life with someone you've put in the friend zone.  While we may have flipped our friend switch and can genuinely be happy for you when all your crap comes together, chances are if we're still single it's going to be painful to watch that friend you've grown really close to move on, have less time for you, and finally get something you don't have yet.  We're human, right?  Let us get used to the idea a little and then you can gush!  AND if your friend has found love, don't be selfish.  Be a real friend and ask them about their new relationship!!  Chances are if it gets serious, the only way you get to stay in the picture is if you get on board and are supportive.

Point #5  If your friendship has ever been in a place where one of you friend zoned the other or one of you wanted more COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE.  If something the other person does makes you question your "status" ask them.  Girls in particular.  DO NOT let him paying for the check or maybe doing something sweet for you snowball into "Holy crap, he's falling in love with me!!"  Try not to read into anything in the first place and if you do, never ASSUME anything.  Be brave enough to talk about it and get the facts. 

I'm not trying to sound like a know it all, but I've been through a lot of these and I know that situations like this come up all the time.  All I'm trying to do is share a little advice and experience in the hopes that maybe I'm putting some truth out there that will help someone some day.  I love my guy friends.  They offer me things that I don't always get from my friendships with girls.  The same way I love my girl friends.  The biggest point here is to always be honest with your emotions.  Don't lie to your friends about them and, most of all, don't lie to yourself.

PS- Always remember that as great as you think a prospect may be or as much as you think that friendship would be the greatest thing if he could just fall in love with you, there is something better and more perfect for you out there.  Hard to remember but I believe it, even for myself!

Holding Out For A Hero

"Whatever happened to chivalry? Does it only exist in 80's movies? I want John Cusack holding a boombox outside my window. I wanna ride off on a lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey. I want Jake from Sixteen Candles waiting outside the church for me. I want Judd Nelson thrusting his fist into the air because he knows he got me. Just once I want my life to be like an 80's movie, preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason. But no, no, John Hughes did not direct my life."
                                                                            Olive Pendergast in Easy A


What do you want out of life?  Who do you want to be?  What do want to accomplish?  Who do you want to share it with?  In the midst of the calm before the storm of me moving to an entirely new place where I know zero people these are some of the questions I've been asking.  I'm striking out and doing something entirely for me for probably one of the first times in my life.  I realize that these are a lot of the questions people ask to get cliche high school graduation speeches but should we ever stop asking ourselves these things?  I've learned that life is a self-evaluation process.  We are the only thing that is within our ability to control and so we are our only judge and guide to what we want out of life.
 
If anyone has seen or is familiar with Footloose in any of its versions then you probably know the song "Holding Out For A Hero."  The new remake just came out in theaters along with remakes of a lot of the songs.  I have to say the new version of this particular song, by Ella Mae Bowen, is amazing.  I listen to it and I'm gone.  Off into girly dreamland where I'm thinking about that perfect guy that's going to come into my life at just the right moment and be just what I need.  If we're being honest, what girl doesn't spend the better part of her daydreams on prince charming?  In all honesty, one of the reasons I'm moving is to increase the population of eligible bachelor's in my life.


There's just one problem this time around.  I was listening to this song for the first time at two in the morning.  I was about half way through and definetely in fantasy land when, all of a sudden, I snapped right back out of it.  I'm not that girl anymore.  I don't need a hero to save the day.  I don't need to find my other half to complete me.  I'm not waiting for prince charming to come rescue me from a tower so I can finally start living.  How often do we, as women, focus on that?  Do we sit around just going through the motions and wait to really start living until we find someone?  Why is it that we can't seem to truly validate our lives until we find a special someone to do it with? 


I've wasted a lot of time doing just that.  I'm a woman.  I want to find love just as much as the next person.  I get a little sad everytime I see another friend get engaged or hear about another couple starting a family.  I mean, Jillee loves love.  So, yeah, I'm not going to say that I have it all figured out.  I bring this all up because more than anything I want to build a life with someone.  My biggest joys and accomplishments mean nothing if I can't share them with the people I love.

Ready for the kicker?  I'm still holding out for a hero.  I want a man I can believe in the way people believed in superman.  I don't want a literal man of steele who can't be hurt.  See even superman had a weakness.  I want to look at my man and be inspired by the way he tries to overcome weakness regardless of if he succeeds.  I want to believe in Prince Charming, or in real life, a man who makes family and friends a priority.  Someone who would do anything for his loved ones.  I want every main guy from every 80's movie.  Someone who always seems to mess up but is willing to admit his mistakes and ask the ones he loves for help and forgiveness with his short comings.  I want to see something in someone that inspires.  I want to admire the very values upon which a man stands and governs his life by  I don't want a perfect unacheivable standard.  I want to fall in love with something real.

I am my own hero and I deserve to be with someone equally heroic in his own way.  This time around and after all I've been through I just choose to view it differently.  Belle saved the Beast.  Mulan saved her man and an entire country.  So I guess even in fairytales the princesses are more then capable of saving themselves.  The thing is, ladies, there are good men out there and maybe we don't give them enough credit when we find them.  I mean heroes come in all shapes and sizes.  For instance I'm a funsize ninja who would change the world through flashmobs and spontaneous musical numbers.  Again I say get what you deserve and determine your own destiny.

The Best Friend, The Sidekick, The Supporting Role

In the grand scheme of things we focus on lead roles in society.  There's the handsome prince and the damsel in distress.  The hero and the villain.  I understand this and can see why we focus on it.  To quote The Holiday, "you should be the leading lady of your own life."  So we see things in those terms.  We are the lead and generally a lot of our stories tend to focus on finding someone to play oppisite us.  I have to say, as someone who is almost always a solo act and is determined to write her own story, my mind has been focused elsewhere lately.

Often overlooked are those quirky roles played by the supporting actors in our lives.  Superheros have sidekicks.  The princess has a fairy godmother.  Rocky had a trainer (sorry boys I never actually watched a Rocky movie all the way through).  Jedi Masters had Padawan apprentices.  Frodo had the Fellowship.  In a more realistic look at how I see this in my everyday life, I would say that we have family and friends.  The supporting cast that fill our lives are often overlooked but critical to success.  I've already given some examples but, once again, I go to the movies to illustrate my point. 

See the best friend, or sidekick role, is pretty much essential in any plot.  In a romantic comedy, the sluty-say-anything-always-honest best friend may be a bit brash but she's always the one to speak the truth and come through for her girl no matter what.  In a story of epic proportion like Lord of the Rings we have a character like Sam.  He's there to keep us human and to remind us why we're still fighting the good fight.  In a straight up comedy?  He's the crazy dude that gets you into all kinds of situations but at the end of it you appreciate him all the more because he helped you really live.  In Marvel/DC fashion, the sidekick is ever faithful, loyal, and dependable.  They are the comedic relief, the reason life is bearable, the mirrors who help is see more clearly.

I've thought a lot about what it means to have a good supporting cast in your life.  I tend to be the supporter a lot of times.  Let's be honest for the first 23 years of my life it was the only role I knew how to play.  I love being the friend.  I appreciate that I have people around me who know they can depend on me.  In any relationship sometimes we have to take a back seat and let our friends or family members do the driving.  I like being the one that someone wants along for the ride.  I value that.   However, I've also come to understand that there are people out there supporting me.  Recently, they've encouraged me to hop in the driver's seat and promised they would come along for the ride. 

Girls, we don't appreciate this enough.  I think understanding the mentality of boys will be boys or needing a night to watch the game with the guys can be good for us.  Men are inherently better at friendship (and at keeping it simple) while we are better at the romance stuff.  That's okay, but do we take time to value the love that is already present in our lives?  Or...do we just keep searching for the kind of love we think we need?  Love is love and while I may single I have plenty of it in my life.

I have a mother and a sister who crack me up and are as weird as some of the families you see on sitcoms.  I have two friends (boys) who share conversations on everything from spiritual awareness to poop.  I have another guy friend who says I love you by quoting 17 again (a vampire wouldn't tell, a cyborg wouldn't know).  I have a friend who goes to chick flicks with me.  She has the exact same body gestures, sounds, and thoughts as me during our cinematic adventure.  I have an amazing friend who I feel extremeley close to despite the fact that, out of the two years we've known each other, we've only been in the same zip code for six weeks.  There's also my friend who is a beautiful mother and still took the time to make me a jar of quotes relating to our friendship for my birthday. 

So here's to my best friends, my sidekicks, my fellowship.  Thank you for theme dressing to go to a Harry Potter movie with me.  Thank you for continuing to include me in your life despite marrying wonderful people and starting families.  Thank you for caring enough to keep in touch even when you're like four states away.  Thank you for mocking me and reminding me to not take everything so seriously.  Thank you for going on quests and making pacts with me. Thank you for the love and support you bring to my life.  As long as I have you I could walk into the gates of Mordor, fly into the DeathStar, or take on Lord Voldermort.  (Okay I had to add that I was getting a little emotional!)  In all seriousness?  I couldn't do this without you.

As for the rest of you?  Never forget to appreciate the things you do have just because you're too focused on what you don't.  Love is love and it's worth keeping around!

The Unrealistic Reality of Chick Flicks

Normally, one might have an "intro" blog.  It would be completely standard for me to give you a brief glimps into my history.  Background info, basic character traits, what's going on in my life.  Well, I'm going to skip all that.  A lot of people who read this will be my friends and know most of it anyway.  If not keep reading and what you don't know about my history you'll replace with seeing the creation of my present.  Getting to know my writing is getting to know me.  I hope you enjoy my ever advancing story!

So here we are.  Operation blog, post #1.  As of late, well as of always, love is on my mind.  More specifically I've been thinking a lot about what girls do wrong when it comes to relationships.  Sort of like a 10 Things I Hate About You in real life.  (Get used to the movie references readers)  Which brings me to one of the biggest things that we, as women, let influence our view of relationships and our behavior within them.  The chick flick.

Seriously girls, its about time we slap our collective selves and realize that relationships within the world of the cinematic screen have NOTHING to do with how they operate in real life.  I'm reluctant to do so but I quote Justin Long's character in He's Just Not That Into You (told you to get used to movie references) when he said, "That is the exception and you're not the exception. You're the rule."  In this case, despite its RomCom origin, Justin Long had it right.  Ladies, while we must never forget that each of us IS exceptional and deserve nothing but a happily ever after, we need to remember one thing.  We must remember that it goes without saying that real life is the rule and the love stories that mainstream media feed us are definitely the exceptions.  They're also today's modern princess fairy tales which are just that...FAIRY TALES!! 

So the best thing we can do is to be realistic while still maintaining our self worth and optimism.  That being said, I present the following evidence to help us distinguish the exception from our rule of reality.

Point #1:  A boy in real life will never plan a giant musical number, flash mob, or otherwise large scale public romantic gesture for you.  Most boys don't have the resources to do so and even if they did has any guy really put that much thought into any one single romantic thing?  We're lucky if we get flowers or have them open the door for us, so living our own magical musical moment is probably out.

Point #2:  A boy will never stand there and monologue for five straight minutes about all the qualities and traits that made him love you and make it impossible to live life without you.  Actually, he might but this generally happens on your wedding day or at an anniversary party when we force them to.  It's never spontaneous or as a result of him almost losing you.  (This includes long and romantic love letters as well)  I mean, honestly, when was the last time he even remembered to get you a card?

Point #3:  The heroine in a lot of chick flicks is always highly successful and financially secure despite the fact that she's only supposed to be in her mid to late 20's.  She has a high paying, flexible hours job and lives in a loft apartment in the city that realistically would probably cost millions.  She can take crazy wonderful vacations or spend large amounts of money on a make over and/or shopping spree.  She's always highly independent or recently heartbroken making her reserved and closed off and somehow this magical guy always reaches her.  Really most of us are still paying off student loans and just trying to find a decent one in a sea of, well, disappointment.

Point #4:  There will rarely if ever be one perfect guy after you, let alone two!!  In what normal world would we have two amazing men after us?  A world where it all comes down to that pivotal and heartbreaking moment where we have to choose the true path of our heart and understand that, while someone is going to get hurt, we need to let go an finally be happy with the man we really want.  HA!!  Seriously, we're lucky to even find someone to date on a serious and committed level.

Point #5:  We're never going to have that one amazing night that changes everything.  You know.  The one where you walk down the staircase and he sees you in a whole new light.  The one where you get caught in a rainstorm that makes everything sexier.  The one where sex isn't even a factor and you stay up the whole night talking.  The one that ends with you waking up cuddling in the morning and he tells you how good you look despite your messed up hair and morning breath.  NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!!

I could go on but I think we've covered some of the bigger things we keep thinking will happen.  So if we can't look forward to these big, epic moments ladies then what can we look forward to?  The point of my blog is never to be cynical.  Sarcastic maybe but not cynical.  I do think I'm a hopeless romantic but I've just learned a lot in my short adult life.  So if I offer my opinion about what isn't going to happen I have to share the other side of the coin.

While it might not be the grand gestures of the movies, we do have a lot that make our average relationships, especially "the one," worth it.  We can still look forward to that first sensation when he holds our hand.  We can still feel our stomach swoop when that random and unexpected kiss finally does take our breath away.  We can hope for the smile that we try to hide when he puts his arm around you in front of his friends for the first time and "claims" you as his.  We can appreciate smiling at each other as you get ready in the same mirror in the tiny bathroom of your first house.  We can marvel at his hand on a your stomach when you tell him the two of you are starting a family.  We can, in the small moments that make up our life, be grateful for mundane and average things we experience everyday especially when we find someone who wants to be a part of them.  Ladies, you are special in everyway and there are men out there who will realize it and then you will become the exception.  Make sure you get everything you deserve.  I hope too!!