Ah my blog, I come back to you every couple of years it when I come to some sort of realization it seems. Along with every major realization is that deep seeded part of my soul that reaches to the creative. That creative power in me that was a huge part of my identity for most of my life. Probably up until my mid 20's. Man, am I old enough to look back and classify a part of my life as mid 20's. Five-ish years or so ago seems like a different lifetime. A different me. And yet...there they are. The reoccurring themes. The same struggles. The same emotional responses. The same mistakes. Maybe this is what someone who goes to summit Everest feels like? "Oooh, Ive come so far!" they think. "Congratulations, you've made it to the base camp," somebody else tells them. Maybe not. Those people are overachievers. So here's what's on my mind tonight. Apologies for the different format. It's been awhile and I'm a different person.
This year I've been challenging myself to really look in to the lies that I tell myself. Not just things like, "I'm going to be the type of person that's on time this year!" (Spoiler: I won't ever be that person and this statement is almost certainly always a flat out lie.) I'm talking deep seeded lies that have become a type of belief system. It's been hard to do this without adding a certain measure of guilt or shame into my life. Admitting that you've created problems for myself for whatever reason (defense mechanism, coping skill, survival, laziness, etc.) still doesn't help make you feel less guilty for wasting time or shameful because recognizing a lie doesn't mean you can automatically accept a new truth. But I've discovered at least four big lies that have affected my life in a fairly dramatic and chronic (it is so much like a illness that kills your soul) fashion.
The one that's been the biggest discovery? The one that I feel has become a theme and motivator for me? Fear.
Seems simple enough. Fear. A healthy amount keeps you safe. Flight or fight and all that. For any of you who know me, I don't seem all that scared. Actually, I probably come across as kind of intense and in your face. I'm sort of a Miley Cyrus themed wrecking ball that just kind of busts through things and into people's lives. Trust me, people don't want to like me. I try not to give them any choice in that matter. But, I discovered that the biggest lie I tell myself is that I have to be afraid. I have to do the safe thing so that I know what to expect and can plan for all the disasters that will inevitably happen. I need to be stable and safe and stay in my little bubble because if my life is like it is now with that, what the heck is it going to look like if I'm outside of that bubble? (Picture Armegeddon, Titantic, or maybe that scene where they blow up the white house in Independence Day- the original please, the sequel was garbage. Actually yeah, picture that. My life becoming the Independence Day sequel. What a disaster.)
The truth that trumps that lie? The answer, not surprisingly came to me in a song. It's actually what made me realize I was so afraid to begin with. The song is called "Surprise Yourself" by Jack Garratt. He reached out to tons of people for the music video. Anyone could write in to him and tell him about a fear. In the video the director sets up activities in which these people have to face their fears. Before each person goes into this the director asks them to do one thing: surprise themselves. They don't tell them to have courage or that they can do it. They talk to them about their feelings and then they send them in completely alone and just ask them to open themselves up to the possibility that this is something they can do.
So that was my answer. Surprise. I felt this huge wave of emotion as I realized that, no matter how old I get or what happens, I have this wonderful ability to surprise myself!! Life isn't over or set in stone. I still have all these wonderful things to learn and experience. I have all of this glorious potential and life has untapped possibility. I don't have to be safe or stay the same. I don't have to expect life to be the same. The weird thing was as soon as this thought came into my mind all the anxiety and the fear I'd felt since the beginning of the year (let's just say January of 2017 was a trial month) vanished and I knew I was on to something. By the way, if you can, I highly recommend watching the music video if you have a chance.
I've wanted to write professionally or at least try for years. Since I was actually really little. I think those are the best and most true answers, kids telling it like it is. In sticking with the theme of fear and also limitation, I love asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they know no limits. When I was little, I wanted to be a writer. I also wanted to be a broadway star but I figured getting famous in any way would also help my writing career. Yes, I was only 6 or 7 when I came up with this plan but even then I had all this emotion inside me and felt like I had so many stories to tell and things to share. You think I'm joking but, sadly, I am not. I was a weird little kid. So here I am blogging again. Here I am taking seminars on self-publishing and reading more than I have in two years to look at style and character development, etc.
My theme for this year, or at least right now, has become SURPRISE YOURSELF!! I like thinking about surprising myself much more than like thinking about overcoming or facing my fears. It's all in how you phrase it, right? See if I face my fear or have to overcome it, it's like work and again my mind goes straight to shame/guilt/disappointment (ah the sweet sweet trifecta of the anxiety ridden). But saying, "Oooh, I'm going to surprise myself every day by doing something I would normally do," just kind of seems like a big adventure. It's a little like celebrating me just for a little bit every day. Sometimes it's just for me and it's my little secret. Other times it involves others. Sometimes I share with others. I want my life to look different so is it that crazy to do something a little different everyday?
So why share? Why blog about it? Well for starters, that's kind of my goal: to write more. Also, I like to imagine that I have a chance to impact the lives of those around me. It tends to be why I'm such an open and easily read book or why I wear my bleeding heart on my sleeve. Light tends to grow brighter when you add more light. And so I share this little piece of my light because maybe some of you feel like there are no surprises left for you. Maybe you're caught up in the mundane survival of everyday life. Maybe you're afraid like me? I share because maybe it lights something in you and tomorrow you will get up and wear those leggings you never thought you could pull off. Or maybe you run a little bit faster and longer than you thought you could. Maybe you are brave enough to be honest with someone, even if its yourself.
So often in my journey, I feel alone (yet another belief lie I am working on). Once, I was complaining to a friend that no one had invited me to do anything in a really long time. He stopped me and explained that during that week alone, no less than three people had told him the exact same thing. I will never forget this because he then said, "out of all of those people, you are the strongest and the only one who can lift not only yourself up but others as well. What are you doing to make sure others don't have to feel the same way you do? Do the inviting if you want to be part of people's lives. I promise you wont have to worry about being invited to things anymore." He was right.
So I send this out into the universe because I know I'm not alone in this feeling of fear. I'm not alone in a desire to overcome it. I'm not alone in hoping and wishing that each day brings a surprise and wanting to keep experiencing things. And I'm putting it out there because it scares me but SURPRISE!! I'm doing it anyway.
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