It's been almost two years since the beautiful trilogy that was the beginning of a very promising blog. I guess that's what happens when you undertake starting something at the same time as moving 500 miles away from all your friends and family. It's been an incredible journey, but I realize I've let this part of myself go. I forgot how much I need a creative outlet in my life. Another factor was a friend kind enough to listen to me read my blogs and encourage me to keep writing.
So I think it's time I address the dreaded issue of the "friend zone." I would say I'm a self proclaimed expert but considering I've had three people this month alone tell me I could (and should) write a book on this topic...maybe it's not so self-proclaimed anymore. Now boys, if you're reading, please know this is not going to be some bitter tirade on how we girls always get put there. If I'm being honest, I do think that guys get put in this no-man's limbo land far more than us ladies!! And girls, don't think I'm going to defend how angry we get about the way boys treat us when we are in this situation or validate your complaints. What I am going to do is try and explain why the friend zone can be a really good thing and maybe, just maybe, give someone insight on how to do that.
I have been hard core friend zoned over 18 times in my adult life. Not like, "oh cute I have a crush on you" and then find out there is no interest. I'm talking I develop these amazing, emotionally open, caring, honest relationships with men and then NEVER HAVE THEM GO ANYWHERE! Here's the crazy thing, I'm still amazing friends with over a third of them. To tie back into my best friend/sidekick blog, love is love and we should appreciate any version of it that we have in our lives.
I know movies are obsessed with this topic. Of course its mainstream media where the friends finally figure out they're in love and everything turns out peachy. So let's get that load of "exception" garbage out of the way and put it in the unrealistic reality of chick flicks category (please refer to blog post #1 for further enlightenment). Seriously though, let's name off some titles. When Harry Met Sally, Friends with Benefits, Whatever It Takes, No Strings Attached, Just Friends, Get Over It, Friends With Kids, Can't Buy Me Love, What's Your Number, Pitch Perfect, blah, blah, blah. The list goes on and on. How many guys have you known in your life (or girls) that just wake up one day and completely change their mind and realize that the love they feel for their best friend is romantic. Nope, the rule of reality is that one person is more invested and usually the dynamic doesn't ever change. Here are a few mistakes to avoid and make the friend zone a more enjoyable place.
Point #1 Please, both men and women, do not keep the friendship and stay around because you think that eventually it will evolve or the other person is going to have a change of heart!! If you are going to be a friend then flip the friend zone part of your brain into high gear and BE A FRIEND. Nothing more, nothing less. Be ready and willing to talk about their significant others and take a back seat when they are in a relationship. Continue to be yourself and enjoy the relationship that you have with them but don't place unnecessary expectations or hopes on the relationship or the other person. This always ends badly. Remember, unlike When Harry Met Sally, Friends With Benefits, No Strings Attached.... this is reality and if it ends badly because you're asking them to feel something or be something they cannot it's going to stay awkward and the friendship will probably die. Like Quentin Tarantino-blood-and-guts-rip-apart-disgusting death.
Point #2 Boys in particular on this one, but once again, advice for all! Do not let the friend zoned person in your life become a have your cake and eat it too situation. It is not fair to someone you've friend zoned to make them your emotional and relationship stand in while you date and play around trying to find what you really want. Don't make it an excuse for not finding what you really want either. If you are friends then you are friends. Move on and continue to try and find something that will actually go somewhere. Some examples? Don't spend all your time with a girl whose just a friend. Let's say you love hanging out with her. You cook dinner together. You talk all the time about random stuff. You regularly get together and watch movies. Then every weekend you leave her to go on dates with woman you're interested in or maybe just to get a little action but would never have a relationship with. You're not Hannah Montana and you DO NOT get the best of both worlds without fully committing to someONE! Also don't friend zone someone and then spend all your time with only them, never dating or really looking around for an actual prospect. You put them there and it's lazy and unfair to focus on a guy/girl friendship where neither of you date anyone. Maybe you should evaluate that and admit there might be something more OR you are just lazy.
Point #3 Obviously advice for all, but this one is more for girls. If you have friend zoned someone and that talk has happened, DO NOT CONTINUE TO BEAT IT TO DEATH. Boys, especially, do not need a constant reminder that you aren't into them. Constantly calling them friend, cutting off all physical touch and making it awkward, continuing to bring up the discussion you had that defined them as friend is unnecessary and painful. Let your ego deflate a little and realize that maybe they genuinely understand how you feel, respect your decision, and have a genuine interest in keeping your friendship. They are human and don't need a constant reminder of the rejection. Also if you are the party of the friend zoned, then be genuine about being JUST A FRIEND! If you can't do this, admit it and kindly remove yourself from the situation. It will save both of you a lot of pain, awkwardness, tears, and heartache.
Point #4 Try not to over share about your love life with someone you've put in the friend zone. While we may have flipped our friend switch and can genuinely be happy for you when all your crap comes together, chances are if we're still single it's going to be painful to watch that friend you've grown really close to move on, have less time for you, and finally get something you don't have yet. We're human, right? Let us get used to the idea a little and then you can gush! AND if your friend has found love, don't be selfish. Be a real friend and ask them about their new relationship!! Chances are if it gets serious, the only way you get to stay in the picture is if you get on board and are supportive.
Point #5 If your friendship has ever been in a place where one of you friend zoned the other or one of you wanted more COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE. If something the other person does makes you question your "status" ask them. Girls in particular. DO NOT let him paying for the check or maybe doing something sweet for you snowball into "Holy crap, he's falling in love with me!!" Try not to read into anything in the first place and if you do, never ASSUME anything. Be brave enough to talk about it and get the facts.
I'm not trying to sound like a know it all, but I've been through a lot of these and I know that situations like this come up all the time. All I'm trying to do is share a little advice and experience in the hopes that maybe I'm putting some truth out there that will help someone some day. I love my guy friends. They offer me things that I don't always get from my friendships with girls. The same way I love my girl friends. The biggest point here is to always be honest with your emotions. Don't lie to your friends about them and, most of all, don't lie to yourself.
PS- Always remember that as great as you think a prospect may be or as much as you think that friendship would be the greatest thing if he could just fall in love with you, there is something better and more perfect for you out there. Hard to remember but I believe it, even for myself!
